Last night was spent in the ER with my youngest daughter, Sharon. Migraine, vomiting, dizziness. They did a Cat Scan and gave her several shots and we finally made it home.This morning both kids missed their respective buses. I was not prepared for a 3 day weekend so I called a cab. Now they are on their way to a brand new day of adventures in the amazing world of teenagers.
There are so many things happening right now. Most not good. So I have to look for the good. But it helps to write it all down in here.
David’s father sent me an email asking to buy what he referred to as my “share” of some gold. It seems that his main concern through all of this has been money. And that brings me to this mornings topic. Value.
What value do we really put on life? Our own or a loved one or a complete stranger? Is there more ‘value’ in the life of a CEO of a multi billion dollar company than there is in a homeless person? I don’t think so. And yet one will have people circling like vultures over the will while it may take time for someone to realize the other one is gone. Why is that? I really want to consider some of the possibilities. They say that clothes make the man. Well, I think the man is already made no matter what he is wearing.
It’s hard right now to fix this apartment up because even though the apartment is really wonderful, I just don’t want to be here. For the longest time I felt bound to St. Joseph because of my kids. Now, David is going to be the same distance away no matter where I live. Or, he will be as close no matter where I am. Today my friend and I were talking about moving. He says he thinks about it too. And it brought to mind a dream .
I have dreamed for years about a log cabin. It sits up on a mountain, near water and the only thing I hear are the birds and insects . I hear the wind blow I hear thunder in the distance. I always picture me inside by a big fireplace making a quilt. I am content. Above, attached with ropePulleys to the beams, is a quilting frame. I lower it and begin quilting. It’s a simple quilt. Just basic patchwork. As I begin to quilt I look at each block and am reminded of someone or a moment in time and a memory. I am alone in this cabin but I know someone is coming and I hang the kettle in the fireplace. Stew I think it is. The time period changes but not the cabin. Not the surroundings. In one I have a wood burning stove in addition to the fireplace. I am never cold. I’m always making something in the kettle and I hear footsteps coming up to the door. “He’s home!” I think with joy. “And soon it will be Christmas and this old cabin will be bursting at the seams with my children and my children’s children. And with him. The man who makes everything real and safe and exciting and fun. I have raised the quilt frame and put the quilt on the bed. And I know, finally, I am home.
I have had a lot of time to think lately. And I see things differently than I did even a week ago. Everything changes so fast. It swirls constantly. I struggle to keep up. It is almost Christmas and I haven’t even gotten a tree. This weekend I will go to the garden center and get a live tree and decorate it with Victorian ornaments. I will get the ingredients for candy and cookies for dinner at my daughter’s new house. I will buy presents and wrap them. I will smile and say Merry Christmas for my children’s sake. And my heart won’t be in it. I will celebrate Yule alone. And if I make any resolutions it will be on December 21st. I will resolve to go on with strength and honor. To make a new life for myself. On the 20th I will go to David’s grave and visit with him about all the confusion I feel right now. I will also stop blaming Courtney for Davids death. It is only making things murky. And I will celebrate my children and make the necessary changes so that I can grow. I am grateful that I am no longer in an abusive relationship. I am so very grateful to be a mother. I am going to open myself to new people and new experiences. These are a lot of goals but once I begin they will each follow. The one thing I realize now is that I can make plans but they may not happen. Even when the lesson is hard it is still there to be learned.
I had been told shortly after his death that David had named me his sole beneficiary. I cried then too. But what I found out today was that the policy that had been provided for him while he worked at his job as Production Supervisor ended when he quit his job a year ago. I’m glad he had time to enjoy the last year of his life. He had worked so hard for so long. There was another policy that he kept up on his own, separate from work. This past year he continued to keep up the premiums. This one is not as big as the one the company had for him. But it means more to me than anything because he was looking out for me even after he had to start living on his savings. I want to tell him that I know how much he loved me and to thank him for caring enough to want to take care of me. I can’t tell him though. I miss him so much. Like I said before, good days and tough days. But each day has impact.
I have had a really weird weekend. Maybe if I write it down I will get it out of my system. So, here goes. My son, Mikey, got a call from my ex, his dad, that they were going to drive to Iowa today to pick up my daughter, Courtney. Seems she got herself in some sort of trouble up there while she was stripping up there. Now, he is going to bring her back to St. Jo. This is the daughter that threw a blanket over my son David, and went to bed.And this ex is the abuser I have talked about in these blogs. He hasn’t had a civil word to say about her since she was 5 years old. He keeps trying to get back in my good graces (I don’t have good graces where he is concerned). Whatever his reasons are for this he’s going to have to deal with it himself. I have let her live with me several times since she has been grown. Once she pushed me backwards into the window in the kitchen. Window broke but I was wearing a jacket and didn’t get cut. When David died she said he couldn’t stand me and why couldn’t I have died instead. Said it should have been me. It’s not that I disagree but it wasn’t within my power. And, even if I had a lobotomy I would still know he loved me. She stays with each of us for two or three months. I may sound like a terrible mother. Even so, she will not live here with me. I love her. I miss the person she used to be. I take responsibility for the mistakes I have made a mother and as a drunk mother. However, I do not believe in penance. Where I can do “no harm” I don’t have to lie down and let people hurt me. I am so tired from all the drama and the trauma of the past eighteen years. I lost my son. That was (and is) the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I accept now that always feeling guilty and fearful got me drunk to the point all else came second. I cannot change it. That brings me to acceptance. Realizing that nothing happens by mistake and within every situation there is a lesson. And not just for me but for Courtney as well. I hope she can salvedge her life and make it wonderful. As for me, I will continue to look for the lesson in all this and determine that I do deserve happiness. And I will find it. I hope she does too.
I do realize that I have been jumping around on subjects. My mind has been jumping around so much this past month. I expect that will not change anytime soon. Today, my mind is on the behavior of my ex toward our 16 year old daughter. Yesterday he picked her up and took her to school, gave her money and a credit card and promised to buy her a car. This man doesn’t do things out of the kindness of his heart. There will be conditions. My 14 year old son asked to hang out with him this weekend but he blew him off. I want to scream! ” Karma come dish him up some of his own!” I think one of the most basic principals to Wicca is that we believe “Harm none, do what ye will”. We also believe that what we send out will return to us times three. And even though I want him to suffer for the way he has treated me and all my children, I will not take over dishing out retribution. I just keep believing that as my children become adults they will be able to sort through all they’ve been through. And , yes, they are most definitely in counseling. But I love the Goddess and believe in Her ways. So on I go trying to learn more each day and for now, I have put the ability to understand on the back burner.
Has anyone every told you that the reason they are so jealous is because they love you so much? Or that if you didn’t give them reason to be jealous then they wouldn’t act like they do? Or accused you of things that either you haven’t done or had the right to do? Do you find yourself trying to explain to them or placate them? If jealousy is a part of your relationship then you should really examine what love is to you. And ask you partner for a concise definition of what love is to them. Do you feel loved when you are being attacked with accusations? Bombarded with anger? Do snide remarks make you feel all warm and fuzzy? Or would you feel loved if you were given trust and respect? Would love be worth everything if it were supportive, kind and compassionate? If it meant being treated with dignity and respect and touched tenderly and made to feel special? And last, but certainly not least, don’t you realize that you really deserve the very best that life has to offer you?
Today has been hard but yesterday was harder. I talked to my friend last night and his strength is keeping me going. He is wise and compassionate.He becomes more precious to me the more I get to know him.
Today I had a good laugh though. My ex gave me the Blazer when I left. I knew it was on its last mile or he wouldn’t have given it to me. So today the radiator blew up. Why is this funny? He comes by to drop off what he considers child support for two teenagers. 75 dollars. He is driving a new KIA SUV 4×4. So I laugh to myself because Karma will find him sooner or later and will mete out whatever is deserved. Not my problem.
I told him to wait downstairs because I won’t allow him to come in my home. To guarantee protection from this happening I used blessed salt across my thresholds. And black salt on the stairs.
I would never tell my children they can’t have a relationship with their father.But I don’t ever have to. If they want to be around him then they are old enough to make that choice. I just dread seeing them let down again.
Today I have been working on organizing my craft room. I am going to start selling what I have already made and I think I want to get on Etsy and also rent a booth at the craft faires.
I have to stay busy.
I can’t really make any plans because I am so up and down. Just when I feel like I have the grief under control it hits me all over again that David is really gone. I now believe that I can not “deal” with grief. I have to let it deal with me. In the program (AA) we talk about feeling the feeling and that is what I guess I’m doing. But it just hurts so deep. One foot in front of the other….one day at a time….
I want to keep track of these days as they occur. There have been things brought to surface that I had forgotten or blocked. However, my children were greatly effected by my actions.
I was not diagnosed with a thyroid condition until I was 50 years old. Not knowing why I felt the way I did I self medicated with alcohol to try and find balance( now that’s an oxy-moron!) By that time I had also been diagnosed as being bi-polar and severely depressed. I suffered through anxiety attacks and was also diagnosed with PTSD. It got better when they finally got my medications just right and I ceased washing them down with Vodka. I don’t have to live with those symptoms today. I do have to live with the damage I’ve done as a result of all of those things that I allowed to happen. And it has never been harder than it is right now.
So, on I trudge, believing that I may have learned some very painful lessons. Believing that just one lifetime is not enough to make everything right.
And, Bless the Goddess, I do have hope. There is still guilt but there is also hope.
There is absolutely no way not to find a new direction. One has already been given to me. Within that realm I am getting more involved in the learning process of the Craft and getting closer to the people that are still alive that I can appreciate and love and make sure that they know it.
I have mentioned my friend that lives far away but keeps in touch and how much he means to me. Now, he may come to visit. Wow! I don’t know exactly how to feel. On the one hand, I want to see him and be held by him and feel his strength. On the other hand, I am afraid to get close to him. I haven’t got a great track record with relationships of any kind. This life has been a series of disturbing events. Wouldn’t it be lovely if the rest of it was happy and full of new events?
No matter where life takes me David will go along with me, in my heart. He wanted me to be strong and it’s time to try.
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