A New Direction?

I want to keep track of these days as they occur. There have been things brought to surface that I had forgotten or blocked. However, my children were greatly effected by my actions.

I was not diagnosed with a thyroid condition until I was 50 years old. Not knowing why I felt the way I did I self medicated with alcohol to try and find balance( now that’s an oxy-moron!) By that time I had also been diagnosed as being bi-polar and severely depressed. I suffered through anxiety attacks and was also diagnosed with  PTSD. It got better when they finally got my medications just right and I ceased washing them down with Vodka. I don’t have to live with those symptoms today. I do have to live with the damage I’ve done as a result of all of those things that I allowed to happen. And it has never been harder than it is right now.

So, on I trudge, believing that I may have learned some very painful lessons. Believing that just one lifetime is not enough to make everything right.

And, Bless the Goddess, I do have hope. There is still guilt but there is also hope.

There is absolutely no way not to find a new direction. One has already been given to me. Within that realm I am getting more involved in the learning process of the Craft and getting closer to the people that are still alive that I can appreciate and love and make sure that they know it.

I have mentioned my friend that lives far away but keeps in touch and how much he means to me. Now, he may come to visit. Wow! I don’t know exactly how to feel. On the one hand, I want to see him and be held by him and feel his strength. On the other hand, I am afraid to get close to him. I haven’t got a great track record with relationships of any kind. This life has been a series of disturbing events. Wouldn’t it be lovely if the rest of it was happy and full of new events?

No matter where life takes me David will go along with me, in my heart. He wanted me to be strong and it’s time to try.